An adventurer enters a npc vendor's shop.
Mr. Hero : 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The npc does not respond.)
Mr. Hero : 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr. Hero : (pause)I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Npc r: We're closin' for lunch.
Mr. Hero : Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this dwarf what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Npc : Oh yes, the, uh, the Blue Mountains Blue ...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Hero : I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Npc: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Mr. Hero : Look, matey, I know a dead dwarf when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Npc : No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable dwarf, the Blue Mountains Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful beardage!
Mr. Hero: The beardage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Npc : Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Mr. Hero : All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Gimlet Bloodaxe! I've got a lovely fresh piece of Mithril for you if you show...
(Npc hits the cage)
Npc: There, he moved!
Mr. Hero: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Npc: I never!!
Mr. Hero: Yes, you did!
Npc : I never, never did anything...
Mr. Hero : (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO DORFFY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes dwarf out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Hero: Now that's what I call a dead dwarf.
Npc: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Mr. Hero : STUNNED?!?
Npc: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Blue Mountain Blues stun easily, major.
Mr. Hero: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That dwarf is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged BBBAARRAAKKK HHAARRDDDURRRR.
Npc: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for Moria.
Mr. Hero : PININ' for Moria?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Npc : The Blue Mountain Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable dwarf, id'nit, squire? Lovely beardage!
Mr. Hero : Look, I took the liberty of examining that dwarf when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its bench in the first place was that it had been NAILED to a hobbit.
(pause)
Npc : Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that dwarf down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its First Age Great Axe, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Hero: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this dwarf wouldn't "voom" if you put The Great Eye up his jacksie! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Npc: No no! 'E's pining!
Mr. Hero : 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This dwarf is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the bench 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-DWARF!!
(pause)
Npc: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of dwarves.
Mr. Hero: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Npc: (pause) I got a Shire slug.
(pause)
Mr. Hero: Pray, does it talk?
Npc: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Hero : WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Npc: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Npc: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Angmar, he'll replace the dwarf for you.
Mr. Praline: Angmar, eh? Very well.
(The customer leaves.)
(The customer enters the same pet shop. The npc is putting on a false moustache.)
Mr. Hero : This is Angmar, is it?
Npc: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Isengard.
Mr. Hero: (looking at the camera) That's hunter taxi service for you.
(Mr. Hero goes to the to file a bug report. He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "GM".)
Mr. Hero: I wish to complain, GM Person.
GM person: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
Mr. Hero: I beg your pardon...?
GM person: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!
Mr. Hero: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
GM person: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 150 lines, you know.
Mr. Hero: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Angmar hunter port and found myself deposited here in Isengard.
GM person: No, this is Angmar.
Mr. Hero: (to the camera) The npc man's brother was lying!!
GM person: Can't blame support for that.
Mr. Hero: In that case, I shall return to the npc shop!
He does.
Mr. Hero: I understand this IS Angmar.
Npc: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
Mr. Hero: You told me it was Isengard!
Npc: ...It was a pun.
Mr. Hero: (pause) A PUN?!?
Npc : No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
Mr. Hero: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
Npc : Yeah, that's it!
Mr. Hero: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Angmar" would be "Ramgna"!! It don't work!!
Npc: Well, what do you want?
Mr. Hero: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!
Sapience : Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly... (takes Hero by the arm) Come on, you, you've got to go do another instance now! Come on... (he walks off stage left, followed by the devs and mods, leaving the npc alone on the set)
Npc : (to anyone still playing) Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... a first person shooter!
***Thanks to Monty Python for being the great comic geniuses they were***